he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
