Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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