GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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