He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There are leaves in my underwear?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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