why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
