Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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