So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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