My Higher Power is John Stamos
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
