You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
