I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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