My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
