I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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