I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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