you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
