nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
