I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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