Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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