I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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