I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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