I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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