This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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