She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
