im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
