Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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