ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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