rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
