I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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