We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it hurts more in the daytime
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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