I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
