she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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