Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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