oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize