I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
