Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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