I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
