hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize