Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
