i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
