On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
