Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
