Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
