paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
