I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
