Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize