yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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