My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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