Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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