I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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