I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The Olympian is in my bed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
