Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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