Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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