Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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