Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
