I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
