can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
