hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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