I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize