I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My ass is underappreciated
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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