If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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