the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
