I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
