I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
