You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
