He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
