When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
