it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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