We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
