I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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